My Mental Health after I TESTED POSITIVE to COVID-19
The year 2021 has been a stretch for me, I was very excited as we approached December. I said to myself “Dami it is time to shut down”. As a Mental Health Therapist and a Life Coach it can be a struggle to take a break; the thought of turning people down in this pandemic was a big challenge for me. However, i knew i needed a break and prioritize self care was the right decision for myself and my clients. I firmly informed my assistant that i will not be taking on any clients in December (She thought it was a joke) until i echoed loudly “J! clear out my calendar and move everyone to 2022. Little did i know that i was going to be my own therapist in the next few days.
I started preparing and packing up for travel, I was super excited and all. i had made my “self care list and bookings”. Reminscing with my daughter on us having a girls day trip. A few days to travel I got a call from a family friend whose kids are close to mine; informing me that one of their daughters had just tested positive to Covid- 19. In that moment I felt like I had just swallowed a rock. As soon as I got off the phone I went straight to do a Lateral Flow Test (LFT). As I waited for the result I started thinking of all sorts, remembering how “chatty” I had been with their daughters some days ago, that 30mins wait felt like 3days. The result was out and it was “Negative”, as soon as the kids were back from school I tested them and they were also negative. I smiled and said to myself “Dami you are and will be fine”.
Later that night, Exactly 3days to our flight. I noticed I was sneezing, my head was aching and throat itching badly. I nudged it off as a flu or some sort of allergic reaction. I took some flu drugs, hot soup and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of night sweating profusing we were in winter, and the heating wasn’t on at that time. So, It didn’t make sense. It was then I realised that something was wrong with me, I also struggled to get out of bed because my body was aching badly. I called out to my oldest daughter to help me out of bed. I decided to take the test again and 30mins after it read clearly “Positive”. It felt as though i had just been hit by a train. All travel plans and bookings all put to a halt! Christmas celebration cancelled!
\I did experience a few rough days physically, but for the purpose of this write up i would like to focus on my mental health when, during and after recovery. From the moment I got the positive result I had mixed emotions. At first I couldn’t tell exactly how I felt it was as though I was experincing an out of body situation. I knew it was time to be my own “Therapist” it was clear that I was dealing with a “Traumatic situation”. Here are the major mental and emotional issues I faced and how I was able to navigate through them.
- Anger: I was angry about the situation, I couldn't travel, I needed to rest from a long year of work but instead I was hit with a viral disease. I would silently blame myself; should I have worn a mask in the house with my children, what could I have done differently? I am very health conscious, I haven’t been ill for over a decade, why now?. I also blamed the government I would mutter on how the leadership has been poor. I was angry at all the so called great scientist; what was taking them long to solve this Covid-19 situation ( Lol! like it was that easy). I allowed myself pour out my emotions till I got tired (which i eventually did). I talked myself into meditating and also listening to some worship songs to calm the rage inside of me (Don Moen songs did a good one for me ). I remember speaking with one of my sisters who has always been very objective to help me navigate the irrational thoughts of anger in me and she did help calm the storm down a whole lot.
- Fear of uncertainty: It was my first time having Covid-19, so I wasnt sure of what to expect, it wasn’t something you could get a prescription for; there is no cure! At least not yet. The media wasn’t helpful at all, it felt as though every where I turned and every web I checked it was all bad bad bad news. As my fear got worse I had to do alot of “self talk” I have always been one solving other peoples problems and helping people navigate their mental health, it was now time to use my own therapeutic skills on myself. I asked myself what would I have told a client in a similar situation “viola” ! The answer came. Focus on only what i had control over which was take your vitamins, lots of water, ginger tea and remain positive and hold on to faith. I deleted all web search app from my phone; to avoid getting tempted to read the news and all. The media was not helpful to my Mental Health.
3. Sadness(depression); I would often time catch myself feeling sad, I had to isolate in a room all by myself, I have a close bonded family, mine is a loud house Lol! so it was understandable. I missed actively interacting with my family. My 8yr old son cried one of those rough nights he said he didn't like seeing me this way, watching him cry broke me. I would hear my older daughter (we are quite close) hanging around my door sometimes dashing into my room to share something with me, forgetting I was isolating and it was not safe for her. It was depressing. Watching my kids going through their own emotions made me realize that the way I handle this situation will determine how the kids would also respond to it. My energy was clearly rubbing off on them and I didn’t like it. They motivated me to snap out easily (maternal instinct). I decided to list out things that I loved doing and I could still do given my circumstance.
One of which was writing, I had a number of books I am yet to complete so I pick out one of the manuscript and started writing; strangely I felt super inspired writing. I also binge watch some of my favorite webseries and was drunk with alot of comedy shows. My laughter filled the house even in such circumstances.
4. Flushes of Panic Attack; This happened every time the kids had to take the Lateral Flow Test and this was every other day. I would get agitated as I wait for the result, I was worried because I didnt want any of them sick especially in my current state. Even after I recovered I kept testing myself over and over again, I would get a negative test and still look out for a faint line that was never there. My inside felt like a erupting vocanoe, My mind was defintely playing a big game with me. I would call or text my husband without telling him how I was feeling but somehow he always knew and had the right words; his voice very soothing and therapeutic *smile*. He would help me get out of my head (brain rush), I would muster the strenght to do some breathing exercise and pray. Gradually I got calmer and finally overcame the panic flushes.
5. OCD thoughts ; Obsessive- compulsive disorder. As I started recovering, my mind raced to the big question of “what can I do to avoid contacting this virus again”. This might look like a good question but the problem was that I was asking it from a place of “fear” and that was were the OCD struggle started. My thoughts would usually be around prevention from an extreme energy of anxiety; Even after recovery I would make my kids sanitise their hands every 10mins (outrageous!) and sometimes I would startle them whenever they come out of the rest room asking them loads of questions on how and if they cleaned up properly (my kids complained; it was embarrassing). I also put a policy of 1mins hand wash for everyone 40secs above the scientifically recommended time. I would walk around the house with face mask and gloves, I kept a distance when i was with my family. I didn’t want to touch anyone (forgetting i was no longer infectious). I would disinfect every other hour in a day ( it was exhausting but i didnt mind). I may have been physically out of the rough but my mind was still in a battle of its own.
How did i navigate this? As a therapist I knew I needed an intervention and I needed it sooner than later, I could tell I was expressing a maladaptive behaviour from the traumatic experience. So, I started doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy CBT and Exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) for and by myself. As time went I did balance out my emotions eventually.
I must confess that It was a turbulent period. As a therapist who has been working with people whose mental health had been negatively impacted by the pandemic, my professional approach always was to empathise with clients from my “imagination”. However, experiencing it myself has made my perspective broader and “realer than real”. Whoever is reading this, I hope this write up brings you some comfort, peace and hope. If you are struggling with Covid -19 and your mental health please hold on to faith, remain positive, focus only on what you have control over and seek help and support from friends, family, or a mental health professional.
I am grateful for life. I am grateful for my children, husband, my friends, sisters, mother and everyone who supported me in these dark times. As I write this I am preparing to leave for that “Rest-cation” the one I had to cancel earlier. It looks like 2022 would start a bit late for me.
Compliment of the Season!
Be Safe.
IG; thatdamiadedeji
Email: damilola@thebirthing.co
